It's been awhile since we've heard from the morons highly-informed YISD Board and their army of free-thinking citizens regarding the proposed study to analyze a hypothesis to build a bridge somewhere in the Lower Valley of El Paso.  Perhaps they realized that the bridge is a good idea and that maybe they should actually take time to raise their kids instead of bitching about something they don't understand, but that's wishful thinking.  We all know the YISD Board of Morons is probably drunk or taking bribes and is waiting until school starts to continue their idiot quest of fighting a necessary bridge.  As for the residents of the Lower Valley against the bridge?  Well, they're just sheep that follow the orders of YISD so it's not like they're going to do something out of their own free will.  But if you ask me, it's way to quiet.  There's nothing like the unintentional comedy of idiots that don't know what they're talking about bitching about a bridge that's actually going to help them.  Thus, it is our obligation to leak this picture of the preliminary design of the new Yarbrough bridge to get the citizens of the Lower Valley angry again.

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The new Bridge will feature snazzy telescoping arms like popular Spider-Man villain Dr. Octopus.  The arms will be armed with knives and bags of drugs.  The knife will be used to stab neighboring homes and kids walking to school.  And when not in stabbing mode, the bridge will offer low cost drugs to the surounding neighborhoods.  In addition, the bridge will have dedicated lanes for murderers, rapists, drug dealers, kidnappers, and child molesters coming in from Mexico.

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OH MY GOD!  THE YISD AND THE CITIZENS OF THE LOWER VALLEY WERE RIGHT!  THE CITY REALLY IS CREATING A MONSTER!  How could I be so blind.  First I would like to apologize to YISD's new genius Superintendent - Michael Zolkoski. 

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Oooooh, sexy!

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     He's only been in El Paso since March, yet he already knows what's best for us.  God, I love Anglos who come to El Paso thinking they know how to fix us.  "Please Mr. White Man, come to El Paso and show us your fancy college-learned ways.  We're just a bunch of poor dumb Mexicans who don't know anything and need your white man books and smarts to show us the way."  Living in Brownsville doesn't make you an instant expert on border relations.  In fact, it just might make you dumber.  The only thing that El Paso has in common with Brownsville is that we're both on the border with Mexico.  Other than that, it might as well be Mercury in relation to El Paso.  So take your Latino Brownsville experience and stick it up the old arse, SuperNintendo Zolcocksi.

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     My second apology is to the genius residents of the Lower Valley who are fighting the bridge study.  Who knew the bridge was going to have so many deadly amenities.  You were right, the bridge will kill all our children.  The city and government want to give you something nice and you don't want it.  See Lower Valley, that's why we don't get any nice things.  First off, congratulations on building your houses on El Paso's flood plain.  Nothing says safety and looking out for your family like building your houses on old farm land that floods on an annual basis like clockwork.  PURE BRILLIANCE!  But don't worry, instead of moving your dumb asses we'll build levees and barriers to keep the river from flooding.  Granted the river was here first and you're hurting the natural wildlife and dynamic of the region, but I guess keeping your crappy house (that should never have been built in the first place) from flooding like God intended is more important.  And let's not forget we have to protect the precious children who live here as well.  What would we do if all the future gangbangers drowned?  I myself wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened.  And speaking of protecting kids, maybe the YISD can stop having Coke and candy machines in all the schools.  Saturated Fats and processed sugars are WAY more dangerous than any pollutants that can come from the bridge.  I'd point out more logical flaws in the YISD's bridge argument, but this is an internet post and not a Tolstoy novel. 

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     But I do agree with YISD and the concerned citizens of the Lower Valley in that there is no place for telescoping arms on a bridge.  Maybe on an overpass, but not an international bridge.  At least we agree on something.

     After a juggernaut like run through the Class 5-A State Playoffs, the Socorro Bulldogs won the city's first baseball championship in 60 years!  The Bulldogs spanked Lufkin 12-7 to win the championship and we here at Simple Minded Entertainment salute them for going down into the heart of hick country, Austin, and showing what Socorro and Paso del Norte are made off.  Kudos to our new Bulldog Overlords.  With that said, you all know what a championship means?  That's right, it's time for the great people of our city to overreact and have a citywide party and/or riot.  BRING OUT THE RIOT STICK!

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     So have fun today, everybody.  And don't party and/or riot too hard.  For those that don't know where to go to celebrate, I recommend Bulldogs Pub on Bob Hope Dr.  It's named Bulldog, it has booze, and it's next to the Socorro Activities Complex - works for me. 

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Congratulations Socorro!  That'll do bulldog, that'll do.

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Socorro defeats Lufkin in state championship, 12-7 - El Paso Times

Local tabloids Newspaper Tree and the El Paso Times have just revealed that there's a catfight brewing in Austin between El Paso's finest state representatives, Norma Chavez and Marissa Marquez.  It sounds sexy, but it's not - I already checked their profiles.

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Long story short, we have a couple of prepubescent girls representing us in Austin that like to have "text message wars".  They supposedly were angry with each other over some stupid comments or something, but much like listening to an argument between two tweens, I zoned out and didn't really pay attention to the story.  I think the argument involves the Jonas Brothers - so that's cool I guess.  Normally I would complain about our local politicians, but this is sort of an improvement over the random assortment of hoboes that show up to "represent" El Paso in the cesspool of stupidity that is our state's capitol.  All things considered, this session in the yearly corruption festival known as the Texas State Legislature didn't go as badly as one would think.  Sure, the Tiguas can't re-open their casino for the 25th consecutive year and El Paso still gets less money than places that have more cows than people; but at least Craddick, Perry and the rest of the White Texas Racist Elite didn't take away our medical school or pass a law that requires doctors to brand a Confederate flag on every El Paso newborn.  That, my friends, is a success.  So instead of "getting completely raped in the ass" by Austin, this year El Paso was only "moderately violated in the ass" by Austin.  Huzzah El Paso representatives, you bicker like little girls but you sort of got the job done.  And now it's time for a classy Photoshop that sums up the whole situation.  Enjoy.

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Marissa was the shy new girl in the house of representatives.  Norma made her popular and now she wants some respect.  Heads will roll!  Featuring Joe Pickett and Joe Moody as el Clique de las Chucitas.

The Tournament of Film is over and now it's time we give out individual accolades to the people that helped make the top movies of 2008.

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ALL TOURNAMENT CREW

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1st TEAM

Director

Matteo Garrone - "Gomorrah"

Cinematographer

Alexis Zabe - "Silent Light"

Production Designer

Timmy Yip - "Red Cliff: Part One"

Editor

Robert A. Ferretti, Angie Lam & Hongyu Yang - "Red Cliff: Part One"

Writer

Martin McDonagh - "In Bruges"

Music/Composer(s)

James Newton Howard & Hans Zimmer - "The Dark Knight"

Actors

Heath Ledger - "The Dark Knight"

Robert Downey Jr. - "Iron Man"

Sean Penn - "Milk"

Mickey Rourke - "The Wrestler"

Producer(s)

Christopher Nolan, Charles Roven & Emma Thomas - "The Dark Knight"

1 Individual or Team per category except Actors which
include 4 Individuals

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Continue Reading for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and honorable mention selections to the All Tournament Crew.

     The Indios beat Chivas in dramatic fashion on Sunday and have punched themselves a ticket to the Mexican Soccer League Playoffs.  Led by the Idolo de Altavista,Daniel “Maleno” Frias, with the playoffs on the line, the Indios scored two goals in the last ten minutes to sneak into the playoffs.  To put it in perspective, this is like Tony Romo not choking at the end of a playoff game or the Pittsburgh Steelers not using steroids to win a Super Bowl – it’s that out of the ordinary.  Much has been written about this miracle team and, if they get a couple of more wins, this will rank up there with the Miracle on Ice and the ’69 Miracle Mets – I sense a “miracle” theme going on.  So good luck Indios!  I leave you with this great quote from the Official Indios Message Board:

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"NO NO NO NO, ESTOY LEYENDO PARTE DE LA HISTORIA DEL MALENO, A ESE ***** DEBERIAN DE HACERLE UNA ESTATUA CA.BRON!!!

HEROES EL COCO Y EL MALENOS, Y NO ME CANSARE DE DECIR, QUE WEVOS, ME CAE QUE QUE WEVOS!!!http://www.diario.com.mx/nota.php?notaid=8d3b00098fbcf5cdb2564ce18ca12665"

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Loosely translated it says that Maleno deserves a damn statue after all he’s been through.  And we agree.  He also deserves to be a part of the Mexican National Soccer Team – much better than the usual Chilango Douche Parade they normally march into the World Cup.  Check out the Diario de Juarez article if you know Spanish, it’s a great read.  Maybe we’ll translate it sometime in the future.

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And God bless YouTube and its many member who are unafraid of copyright infringement for posting a summarized version of the game.  It’s the best moments condensed into 10 minutes.  Absolutely beautiful!  Those last two goals will live on forever in the hearts and minds of soccer fans everywhere.

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VA-MOS INDIOS!  Al Infierno Con Toluca!