BREAKING NEWS! – EL PASO, TX – MAY 25,2012

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     Last month all the posers were excited and impressed beyond belief when a chubby-ass, elderly Dr. Dre brought a hologram of Tupac on stage at Coachella.  The posers who were actually at the festival (the proper term for people who go to Coachella in a non-ironic way are cunts) said this was the highlight of the festival and perhaps their pathetic lives.
..     Not to be outdone by Coachella, we have just learned that El Paso’s own Neon Desert Music Festival has its very own surprise that involves digging up the dead corpses of musicians.
.     Simple Minded Entertainment has just learned that after Sparta’s set and the inevitable At The Drive In cock-tease reunion, not one, but six long dead musicians will be resurrected to act like minstrels just like in Coachella.  The “Dead Musician JamBEARee” will be very awesome and as we type this we can already sense five writers from Pitchfork falling to the floor in seizures at this news.  We do not now what song this super groupe along with Sparta/At The Drive-In/Mars Volta and Moby will play, but it is rumored it will be an extended remix of "Cut Your Ribbon" mixed with the classic Marty Robbins song "El Paso" and Juan Gabriel's "Ciudad Juarez Es Numero Uno".  The picture below is just a preview, but the cutting edge animatronics technology will blow away the Tupac hologram.  Not only will Tupac Shakur take the state but he will be joined by Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Layne Staley and Bradley Nowell!
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Neon Desert's 2012 Dead Musician JamBEARee will feature Tupac Shakur, Bradley Nowell, Jim Morrison, Layne Staley, Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse.  A senior editor at Pitchfork who received a sneak peak was quoted as saying, "The Neon Desert 2012 Dead Musician Jamboree makes the Cochella Tupac hologram look like a giant pile of pretentious excrement designed for brain-dead cunts.  And this is coming from someone who ejaculated 27 times in a row when he saw the Tupac hologram."  The Neon Desert surprise is looking awesome.

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     Do not miss the Neon Desert Music Festival.  Because if Coachella can shit on the memory of dead musicians, Neon Desert can take it one step further!

Hipster's will probably ask you to smuggle Pabst Blue Ribbon into the Neon Desert Festival via your rectum.  Please don't do it.  As this X-Ray (and personal Simple Minded Entertainment experience) shows, it's not very pleasant to stick a PBR up your ass.

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    Recently, everyone and their grandma has been doing a “survival guide” for Neon Desert.  As a public service, I would like to offer you a survival guide of our own for the upcoming Neon Desert Music Festival 2012.  Below is the official band schedule for the festival including the poorly planned scheduling of Sparta and Moby at the same time.
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.      For the survival guide I would like to break down which acts you should watch and what you should do during the festival for the entire time you are there.  The festival will last close to 14 hours, so you better plan ahead if you want to get the most bang for your buck.
.PRE –SHOW - The show starts at 12:00 PM but we recommend you get there at least an hour early and load up on coffee or cocaine to perk you up.  Coffee will be expensive inside the festival and cocaine will be “officially” banned at the festival (pussies), so you better do some lines of blow just before you go to get ready for the day.  Most of the drug dealers won’t be at the festival until after dark when all the electronica/rave/techno/rape music starts, so if you need a fix it’s best to load up before the festival starts.
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12:00 PM to 1:00 PM – So once at the festival, your first major decision will be whether to jam out to Johnny Costello or Kontra Golpe Noise Manifesto.  If you didn’t do cocaine before you came, as recommended, you are probably a pot head and don’t want to tire yourself out to early.  In that case, Johnny Costello and his soothing acoustic set should be the perfect start to your day.  If you are all coked up, Kontra Golpe Noise Manifesto should be where you start the festival.
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1:00 PM to 2:00 PM – This time period offers an awesome double header of The D.A. immediately followed by Emily Davis and the Altar Boys.  Regardless of your drug of choice and state of inebriation, this is what you should do at this time period.  Eureka the Butcher and Esteban Carrasco will be playing around this time too.  If you hate your ears, that is where you will probably be.
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2:00 PM to 3:00 PM – After the Emily Davis set you will all be treated to Zechs Marquise on the Miller Lite Stage.  You will definitely love this if you have begun your pot smoking for the day.  If not, just give it a shot and go buy yourself so overpriced food and drinks to bring your energy up.
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3:00 PM to 4:00 PM – L.I.G.R.E. is a great and underrated band from Juarez.  You should check them out at this time.  They should be one of the surprises of the festival and you don’t want to be left out when your hipster friends start talking about how “I like L.I.G.R.E. better before people listened to them at Neon Desert.”
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4:00 PM to 5:00 PM – Class Actress and Le Butcherettes are both solid choices at this time slot, so you can go back and forth and see what you like better.  The walking between stages will stimulate blood flow, keep your body limber and also help the flow of whatever drugs are in your system at this time.
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5:00 PM to 7:00 PM – Nothing really eye-popping at this time, so you can probably use this time to get some food and drinks, talk to people, buy drugs from the early bird drug dealers or have sex with a random person in a port a potty.  If you can’t find someone to hook up with during this time, we suggest you go into a port a potty and just masturbate – don’t worry, you have time.  And this applies to guys and girls, just lay back and put your feet up against the door and go to town!  If you must listen to music at this time, La Vida Boheme sounds like a good pick.
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7:00 PM to 8:00 PM – This time is important because this is when the headliners start taking the stage.  But more importantly for the readers of this website, this is the time when the real heavy duty drug dealers start showing up.  Drug Dealers, by nature, work all night and are generally lazy.  So when the sun comes down they come out.  The festival is “officially” drug free.  But like all festivals, there will be drugs and this is about the time that they start flowing.  And because the festival features rock acts AND DJs there will be tons of stimulants, cocaine, downers, pot and all the rape drugs you can imagine (not to mention all the “legal drugs” like alcohol that the festival will be selling.)  Oh yeah, there’s also music at this festival.  Classixx and Mexican Institute of Sound both sound good, so check them both at out in between purchasing your drugs for the night.
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8:00 PM to 9:00 PM - I’ll go with Yacht at this hour.
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9:00 PM to 10:00 PM – And I like The Twelves at this hour.
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10:00 PM to 11:00 PM – Do you like pretentious douchebag noise from Austin?  If so, then you will be front row and completely wet when Ghostland Observatory takes the stage.  For normal people, you can just sample the music and look at all the slutty hipster girls in short shorts.  Did you know that Neon Desert is the El Paso event with the highest concentration of slutty hipster girls in short shorts?  A-Trak starts at 10:30, so if you came for the DJ sets your drugasmic/sexual assaultastic party begins now!
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11:00 PM to 12:00 PM – Do you like ass and short skirts?  Belanova has this hour all to themselves and the lead singer promises to bend over at least 4 times per show.  And if Chilango Pop isn’t your thing you can go into the A-Trak party and rub up against random girls without getting arrested.
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12:00 PM to ???? – So the festival comes to an end with the brilliant move of scheduling Sparta and Moby at the same time.  By this time you are completely tired and out of it to the point that only drugs are keep you alive, so you don’t really care about poor scheduling and it’s consequences.  Your choice at this time will depend on what you consumed during the duration of the festival.  If you took the traditional rock festival route of pot and/or beer you will most likely end up in Sparta land.  If you took a lot of pills and/or cocaine you will be grinding with partially unconscious girls while Moby spins away.  Either way, it’s a great way to end the day.
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.     So now that you have your day planned out you’re probably wondering how to break the rules at Neon Desert even more and we are here to help.  Below is the official list of forbidden things at the festival and our suggestions on how to get around them.

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.WHAT CAN’T I BRING?.

- Weapons of any kind (They do this to keep the kids safe, but sometimes you just have to rumble.  Weapons are sharp so you shouldn’t sneak them inside your rectum.  We recommend you use your good, old fists to kick some ass inside the festival.  If need be, sticks and bottles also make good weapons)
- Illegal substances (including narcotics) – (HA HA HA.  They put this in every concert because apparently it’s a law or something.  As mentioned earlier in our guide, there should be a ton of drug dealers at the festival and a member of the Rodriguez-Lopez posse will probably start giving away free pot during a performance.   Feel free to use your rectum to sneak in drugs, but also remember that any drugs you buy at the festival came out of someone’s rectum.)
- Drug Paraphernalia (You can’t bring your bong to the festival, but any inspired pothead can turn anything into a bong.  If it’s not too big, you can sneak in your pipe/bong in your rectum.)
- Framed or large backpacks (There’s a good chance you’re a douche and you might be planning to camp out at the festival.  Please don’t bring you camping backpack and attempt to set up camp inside the festival, you fucking cunt.)
- Alcohol (Alcohol will be sold at the Festival) – (Damn straight there will be alcohol sold at the festival.  El Paso will riot if you take away booze from any event.  Just pay the outlandish booze fees at the festival, no use in trying to sneak it in.  A hipster may ask you to sneak in a Pabst Blue Ribbon in your rectum, don't do it!)
- Glass containers (You might try to cut someone with the glass.  Get a branch from a nearby tree if you want to hit someone instead.)
- Food or beverages (How are they supposed to charge you outlandish food prices if you bring your own food?  Don’t try to smuggle food through your rectum, that is just wrong)
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.There’s a bunch of other stupid restrictions at the festival, so just make sure to stick it in your rectum if it’s small enough and if security doesn’t see you punch someone in the head – technically it didn’t happen.  So that’s our guide for Neon Desert.  May you listen to good music, may you do lots of drugs and may your rectum be pain free!  See you Saturday!
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.BONUS MEMORIAL DAY SURVIVAL GUIDE.KLAQ Balloon Fest – If you are going to the Balloon Fest, or any KLAQ sponsored event,  and you don’t have any children you are probably a poser.  Simple Minded suggests  you put a gun to your mouth and pull the trigger because you are a poser.  That is our survival guide for the KLAQ Balloon Fest.

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Scoring Rules: The films are judged on 11 categories and are given 2 points for winning the category or 1 point for a tie (there can be only 1 tie per scorecard). Movie with the higher score advances to the next round.

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The final two films in the tournament were action bracket winner, "Wu Xia", and drama bracket winner, "Warrior".  After a close matchup, "Warrior" was superior in more categories and was the overall top movie.  Congratulations to "Warrior", it is the top movie of 2011.  Below are the final scorecards and a special present for the top film.

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TOURNAMENT OF FILM 2011 – Grand Prix Final

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Warrior Vs. Wu Xia

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